Today at Kelly's it Show us your life-Testimony
My testimony or my life story is a hard one to tell and for some people, it's a hard one to hear. I have had
people tell that I seem as though I have it all together and seem very confident, and when I began to share some of my story, I get mixed reactions. Reactions to my life is why I tried so hard for so long to hide it. Not everybody would understand. But here is a shortened version of my story. I am praying that God uses my life for His Glory. And if you have any questions or just want to say something, PLEASE don't hesitate to leave me message or email me.
I am a first born girl. I was 22 months old when my parents had a boy. During my early childhood, things were pretty "normal". The sexual abuse started fairly early. It continued for years and became a very real reality for me in my life. In the beginning, I didn't have a clue about what was going on and why. As I got older, I feared coming home and being left alone. I was raised in church. I was there every time the doors opened it seemed. Yet, my life at home was not the one it was perceived to be in public. I became the "perfect" child. I made all A's in school. I felt that anything less than perfect was failure. And I already felt like a failure.
As I entered junior high school, we moved. While things at home at calmed down, my new life at school became a nightmare. I was made fun of, called names, and talked about. I was eating my way through life. At 13 my life really changed when a neighbor, who was 6yrs older than I, raped me one afternoon. With no one to tell, I became withdrawn, and started a process of bulimia. I couldn't stop eating, so I thought if I could overeat enough to get sick, somehow I would get rid of the feelings. This "relationship" lasted 17 months. During this time, I lost "me" completely. I am not going into all the details that happened to me while this went on. I know people will say "why couldn't you tell anybody" or "why didn't your parents know". When I told an adult, that person didn't believe me. So I thought no one would ever believe me. I would take 4 showers a day and couldn't use the same towels. I felt dirty, tired from not sleeping, and alone. I began cutting during this time. I would try just about anything to numb the pain. At 14, I got pregnant by this man and was scared out of my mind. As a way of trying to make it stop, I told him. And in June 1999, he took matters into his own hands and "handled" the problem. And I was left in a pool of blood to die.
I knew that I could NOT continue my life as it was. I started a Christian high school at my church. I had to work 3 jobs in order in pay my way. I befriended a lady at my church, who I finally broke down and told everything to. I started staying with her and her family. At one point, there was a meeting with my pastor, my counselor, and my family. My parents took my brother and walked out-without me.
Even as a little girl, I would pray that God would somehow rescue me. I had never felt so alone as I did in that minute. I doubted that God had even heard my prayer.
This lady took me in and treated me as one of her own. I know now that it was God's hand in my life. And I will always be thankful.
I graduated high school and went to a private Christian college. After a year, I knew I couldn't go back because of finanical reasons.
A family I had been keeping kids for asked me to come that summer and keep the girls full time. Soon it became apparent to the mom that I wasn't living anywhere. I would stay with friends, at the park, really just anywhere I could. They asked me to move into their guest/school room. I did. And life as I knew it changed again.
Over time, my story came spilling out and our relationship changed. For the better. The husband/dad in the family really tried to get me to open up to him. it just wasn't happening. I didn't trust ANY man because of things in my past. It seemed that I would never get passed it. Yet, over time, God allowed a relationship to form and I was shown the true meaning of having a father. They have seen me through some tough times in my life when nothing was going right. At one point, I was severely depressed and didn't want to live any longer. The pain was too great. This was my seventh suiside attempt. They took me to our local hopsital and I was admitted. Looking back, it was a very good decision. I got some meds and some help. And all during this time, this family never left me or walked away.
I have since moved out of their house, but am still apart of their family. I know that God hasn't left me and He is a miracle worker. I have a relationship with my parents and brother now. It may not be perfect, but it is what it is.
God truly has bigger plans for me than even I can dream. I can see that through all the pain in my past, God has a healing for my future. I have been able to share with several churches/school groups about my life and have watched as God uses my life to help others. I am not giving up a hope of a husband and children of my own one day. For truly, "I know the plans that I have for you"-Jeremiah 29:11
I know that it is because of my relationship with God that started at age 7, and the influence of Godly people in my life that I am here today. I will be forever grateful.