Thursday, December 27, 2012

Feeling Lost

Let me just be honest. Planning a funeral is hard. Watching my brother and Amanda's family try to sort out details was heartbreaking. On Wednesday, December 27th we went to the funeral home to go over these details. A casket, burial clothes, program, pictures for a dvd. None of the things any of us thought about before now. And at 25, I'm not sure how much Amanda thought about them either. We did our best. Since we could only put a certain number of pictures on the dvd, we opted to make a board of pictures to be on display as well. I knew I could make one and really didn't want a stranger to do it, so I offered. I felt as though someone who loved Amanda should be the one to handle it. So I printed off some photos and gathered my stuff. I spent the night rearranging photos and crying. Asking and begging God for some light of understanding. Then I would watch Duck Dynasty laugh. I thought about my brother, our family. And her family. Her mom, dad, sisters, nieces, and nephews. How would I feel if my brother had died too? How lost we all felt. I found myself wanting to call her. Just to hear her one more time telling me "we ain't got time for that"- Sweet Brown quote. Just for her to say that she was indeed wearing that outfit. Anything really. As I sat in the living room floor longing and yearning for an answer, I felt lost. How do we move on? My brother has lost his wife, mother of his daughter, his best friend. What now? How does this piece fit into the puzzle of life? So many questions....

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