Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Chasing God

I actually received this book in January. Read about 4 pages and immediately put it on my book shelf. Behind other books. Out of sight, out of mind. At that time in my life I was running as fast as I could get away from God. I wanted to be able to read the book. However, I knew that I wasn't even willing to stop running long enough to fake my way through reading and comprehending any part of this book.

Fast forward 6 months. I had stopping running from God but wasn't running to Him either. I had a lot of doubt, lot of fear, lot of hurt built up in my heart. I was also tired. I knew my relationship with Jesus was the number one thing I missed and longed for. It's where I felt the most shaken. I knew something had to give, and that something was me. I joined an online Bible study, and began to let go of some things. I was learning new things and seeing old things in a new light. For the past month or so, I have been drawn to read Chasing God. I kept saying no. I would read another book. I would do another day in the study booklet. Basically, anything except read this book. It became a matter of not wanting to read it, but absolutely NEEDING to read it. In prayer one day, I heard God whisper in my spirit that some answers were waiting for me in those pages. So, I opened the book and began to read.

I am crying as I type this because I am in complete awe of the love and patience of a God that knew my heart needed some healing before I would ever be able to hear His voice otherwise. Had I read this book back in January, I would not have been receptive to its truth.

The truth is I have been chasing God my entire life.
Angie put a voice to some of the deep doubts in my life. She brought to surface many questions that I have no answers to. She's opened a door for me to step through in order to see for myself the life that God has for me.

Many, many times while reading this book, I have had to put it down for a while. I couldn't read for the tears. I couldn't continue because I had to bring pieces of my broken heart to God. I had to let go of some things. I returned with a readiness that I haven't had in a long time.
I've highlighted about 80% of the book. I've gained such insight that my relationship with Him is mine alone. That I will never have all the answers. He doesn't intend for me to.

Lately, the struggle of being able to handle everything and be everything to everyone has overwhelmed me. I felt as though it was all too much. How in the world could I get it all done? A friend and I were talking and she began to share her heart about things going on with her. As I listened, tears began to roll down my cheeks. The very same concerns and thoughts that I have been struggling with came out of her mouth. About 45 min before we were talking about this, I had read a paragraph in Chasing God. I shared it with her. We both sat in the quietness as we allowed God to penetrate that truth into our hearts. She then prayed for us. I know without a single doubt that God allowed for that moment to come in my life at the right moment. I will never forget that moment of feeling God speak to me in her living room.

"The notion that our Abba Father would dispense injury based on our ability to "carry it" is injurious to our relationship with Him and casts light wrongly on our human capacity instead of His generous dispensation of grace."

Instead of chasing God, I cling to the truth of His unwavering love for me.

No comments:

Post a Comment