Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Tough day

Today has been very emotional for me. After taking Taylor to school, I headed to my therapy appointment. I wasn't feeling it today. I didn't want to go. Didn't want to sit there. Didn't want to talk. I simply didn't. It's not her, but yet is was. You see, she knows be better than I know myself most days. She sees beyond the outward one-word answers that I gave her for 20 minutes this morning. She begins to just talk. Tell me what she sees. Cue the tears to flow down my face. She's right. Everything she said is right. And it's difficult to see. Hard to accept. Not sure that I even want to. But in the end, she's right. And she usually is. I've been seeing her for seven years and can't recall a time when she hasn't been right. (Don't tell her.) I left her office not sure. Uncertain. Confused. But from her words of wisdom came a source of encouragement to do the next thing I needed to do today. I went running. Only 2 miles. But I went. I put  my ipod on shuffle and the third song in was Anthony Evans' Fighting For Me. Right there on that walking track in the middle of the morning, I had a moment. A moment of tears and pressing on. I questioned God. Begged for some answers. Asked Him what about me was worth fighting for. Was I really worth the effort? And my questions continued around the track. Putting the track on repeat, I let the words of that song settle deep into my soul. Deep to where my heart hurts the most. Deep into the darkest places of my life. Did I get answers this morning. Honestly no. I didn't. But I also didn't give up in my run. I wanted to get into my truck and just leave. I finished my run. However, I'm holding on to the promise that God is fighting for me.


  1. Cyndi I am sorry you are having a rough time right now. so glad you have someone to talk it out with. that always helps!

    Don't you love when the words of a song just speak to right when you need it most. congrats on taking yourself to the track and running it out.


  2. Thinking of you. It's these moments where our faith is born.

  3. Cyndi,
    I am just seeing the post about your SIL. Oh my goodness. What heartbreak. I agree with the comment before mine that God meets us in those dark places and sometimes it is those that are most life changing and good for our souls. I pray you will see Him in your pain during this difficult season.

    And btw, we LOVE Anthony Evans...his music has ministered to me for years. We met him at our family camp, Pine Cove, in Tyler, TX and he occasionally comes to sing. His dad/family are long-time campers there and his I Choose Now song was part of a very pivotal point in my faith. I will check out this song you posted...

    Hugs from Arkansas,

  4. What a precious spirit came through in your post! I have had songs speak to me and I often think that God knew I would need those words that the songwriter wrote and the artist sang.
    I know you have a world of hurt going on about your SIL. I am still praying for you and your family, especially your brother. How is he doing?
    I would love to see you in March. I have missed getting to talk to you.
    Take care my friend and know that you are loved and prayed for by many!